On Loneliness and Being Alone

Many years ago, when I lived in the city, my biggest fear in life was loneliness. I even feared it so much that I got married to the wrong man, believing I had forever protected myself against feeling lonely ever again. It wasn’t as clear to me then of course, but it’s probably pretty close to the truth.

Then something happened that turned my life upside down. I had a dream one night about moving out to an isolated island far far out in the ocean. That dream was so vivid to me that it turned out to be the start of the end of my marriage, after which I quit my job and left. Suddenly I found myself on an island where I was one of three inhabitants. It was about as lonely as it could get. And that, I believe was when you and I got in touch for the first time, Aja?

It turned out that loneliness wasn’t such a horrible thing after all. I spent the first couple of days crying inside a cave, looking at the giant endless ocean, feeling as lonely as the ocean was big. Then I started to discover the freedom that lies in being alone. For the next few months, I ran around exploring the area, searching the beach for treasures, learning how to meditate, writing a novel, fishing for crabs, and talking loads and loads to myself.

A part of me never let that go. For one, I never moved back to the city. And since then, I’ve never been as happy in a relationship as I am on my own. Like yesterday evening, I put on a white dress and danced around the living room listening to Max Richter and burning sage. I felt so at one with everything, so present and alive. Somehow I never really feel that way with a boyfriend. Not anyone I’ve met so far anyway. It turned out that by facing my greatest fear, I also found a lot of happiness. And best of all, it’s the sort of happiness that doesn’t rely on anyone or anything, it’s just there.

It is kind of fun to think about though, that you’ve been with me on this whole journey. During all the ups and downs since I quit my former life completely. Because even though I’ve spent most of these years in my own company, it’s been nice to have someone to share it with. Being alone is sure not the same thing as being lonely!

-Agathe

 

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I Did a Terrible Thing, and it Made Me Feel So Good

I am so done with making excuses for men. I’ve stopped doing it for my boyfriends, even those who claim to have had such hard lives that they deserve a little extra patience from me. Now I think most of them use it as an excuse to get what they want and not take responsibility for it. As if my life has been so easy… Somehow my own circumstances are overlooked for the benefit of the boys. I’m there for them, not the other way around.

I’d rather stay single forever than to once more get into this pattern, and truth is that I’m usually very happy when I’m on my own. That’s when I play loud music and dance around the living room. Or when I have trouble sleeping at night because I’m so eager to wake up to another day. Or when the magic of life has me lost for words in awe.

I have however had a soft spot for my male friends because you know, some of them just don’t know any better. I’ve let them flirt and think it was okay. I’ve let them criticise me when I haven’t asked for advice. I’ve let them trample all over me, while they thought they were doing me a favour, and I haven’t told them otherwise. But today… I had just had it. It was the last round of unsolicited opinions I could take. I snapped! And you know me well enough by now to know that I rarely lose my temper. Aja, I think I’ve lost a friend, because I was not very nice to him, but letting off some steam was probably exactly what I needed. And I honestly don’t think I want him as a friend anymore anyway. I’m so done with that sort of behaviour. I am actually very capable of thinking for my self, you know..!

In the past, I’ve had more male friends than female friends. I didn’t always get along well with women, and it was more fun with the boys anyways. I don’t see it that way anymore. Boys usually want something from you, whether it is to get you in bed or to make them feel good about themselves. And I’ve been trained to deliver. I’ve started to realise how important female friendship is, and how much I value the women in my life. So thank you for being there as my friend.

Now, let us throw some pies!

– Agathe

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Re: Carousel

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I like the roller coasters! Especially those who have you go upside down. Which is weird, because I am terrified of them, and the thought have having no control what so ever, is kind of sickening to me. But at the same time, it gives me a weird thrill, and it is how I generally relate to things: Heading straight for what scares me the most.

I used to go on a lot of boat rides in terrible storms as a child, and I’d always get really seasick. One of these rides were particularly bad. We were in one of the smaller boats where you’re all crammed together beneath the deck. People were white with fear, and they were throwing up all around me. For the first time, I was not. Cause it dawned on me: How is this different from a roller coaster ride? Roller coasters are scary, yet I think they’re fun. So why not just close my eyes and imagine I’m at an amusement park instead?

So I did, and from that day on (until I got pregnant) I was never seasick again!

– Agathe

Roller coaster image here.

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Magic

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I realize I have used the word “magic” a lot for the past few months, and it keeps coming back up. One magical moment seems to turn into the next. Each time I’m thinking that something has got to give, it has got to crack at some point. And true, things are not always what they seem, and some things has got to go, but the magic isn’t going anywhere!

– Agathe

Image from here.

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Stop, rewind.

A friend of mine once told me something that really stuck:

«You should be careful about burning bridges.»

It just often seems so much easier to walk away and never look back. Yet the last couple of years, I have found that I have appreciated keeping the door open, even for ex boyfriends who once hurt my feelings. Yes, Aja, even for ex boyfriends! Sometimes, with a little distance, we better see people for who they really are, and not who we expect or want them to be.

I’m thinking the same thing about my recent move. I was so done with that old place, so ready for something new, and coming here felt like breathing again. I notice it in little things, like how my outfits are more playful, and that I’m much more outgoing and laughing way more. I even retook a personality test and I had changed from introvert to extravert in just a few months. I’ve been ready to up and sell my house and move all my shit here. It just felt so damn good! Then I saw something on Facebook that struck me:

«Home is where the record player is.»

And it dawned on me: Home is there. I can be here for a while, get a break, have some fun. But this might not ever really be home. So I’m keeping the door open for a certain other ex too, my house.

– Agathe

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Re: Re: Re: Open Up, Let Me In

Aja, you’re totally right. And something magical did happen this weekend. Despite the fact that I have appreciated that unspoken love I was receiving, I struggled to find my place in it. But sometimes people come to the rescue in the most unexpected ways. And now, I am at peace again.

Long story, will catch you up soon, but I can’t promise you’ll be entirely pleased!

-Agathe

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Re: Open Up, Let Me In

We’ve been talking a lot about being open lately. Sometimes I feel like Forrest Gump, just sitting there on a bench, sharing my story with any passer-by who’ll listen. It feels quite ironic that I have ended up with the most closed off person I’ve ever met. Say the word “feelings” and he’ll cringe and make funny faces like he just bit into a lemon. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so in all honesty, I do both.

– Agathe

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