Shades Of Blue

Bluetiles

For the longest time I thought that perhaps it was just me.  That maybe I was the only one that felt themselves grow a little hopeless in February.  We’ve now reached that time of year where I start counting the weeks until spring (five more, because you need to know).  I’m doing anything I possibly can to keep myself from turning into a raging ball of self hating fury.  One of the best things about facebook is perpetually cleaning house and keeping honest, open, interesting people around.  That’s the only way you realize that you’re not alone at all. So here’s some advice from my good friend Joanna, that I think needs to be shared.  We believe this story is about Frank Gehry:

“He used to despair greatly at the beginnings of each project. Like, deep dark, dark, dark hole despair. He believed he was the worst, he was a hack, he was overrated, he was a fraud. Then he would break through that and build a gorgeous amazing thing and feel good. But it would happen every single time. The darkness, the despair, etc.

Then at one point he said, “WAIT – I know this thing. This is the thing where I feel like a talentless fraud. This is a PART of what I do to create. This is a part of what makes me who I am, every single time I survive it.”

I think about that when I go dark. I think, ‘This is a part of me, and I survive it. It’s part of my process.’

February is dark. But then you get better. Maybe this is your process, and maybe eventually it won’t be.”

And that’s how I get through these time periods.  Smart friends.

–  Aja

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Pen Pals

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It’s been ages since I had a snail mail pen pal. I used to write with a lot of people when I was a kid, but as an adult it’s been mostly limited to random letters to you and other friends. Since most of us communicate online anyway, we’ve usually covered any news long before the letter finally arrives.

The other day I was helping my son write letters to family members he doesn’t see very often and I felt an urge to write a letter too. It was time to get a good old fashion pen pal again. A quick search online and I found Satoko in Japan. I received her first letter yesterday and she included some cute notes with it.

I really enjoy connecting to random people around the world, makes it feel not so big after all.

– Agathe

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Re: Fleeting Thoughts

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I’ve only had my heart broken once before, and it wasn’t because I wanted him back, it was even I who dumped him, but it was because he had been my best friend. We lived together for four years and he was the sweetest boyfriend ever. He made me breakfast in bed every morning and gave me a back rub every evening and even after four years we would still go out drinking just the two of us and have a blast together. Crazy to dump him? Yes! But I was in my early twenties and had never really been in love. I loved him but I had never been in love. Perfect when you’re a little older and ready to settle down, not so perfect when you’re still convinced there’s that special someone out there just for you. I cried my self to sleep every night for six months.

All the other men I dated I never truly loved. I mean, I always thought I did, but every time I’ve been dumped, it’s been so easily forgotten. I’ve maybe shed a few tears for a day over the realization of another failure, and then I’ve picked myself right up again. Truly loving someone is scary because it leaves you pretty vulnerable, and I guess I was never brave enough to fully take the plunge.

This time it’s been different. This time I was in love and I loved, and I have this nagging feeling that it’ll take a while no matter how I go about it. I’ve been trying to fight it, but I just have to let it be. And you know what? It feels better that way. When I accept that I did love this man and no matter how sad it is that I lost him, I did love, and that in itself is no loss, it is a gift, and in the end, I’m actually pretty happy.

– Agathe

Illustration from here.

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Laziness Equals Beautiful?

Larry and I were discussing one our favorite songs, Jimmy Soul’s If You Want To Be Happy and declared that based on these shameful standards, we would be supermodels!  He discussed this with me from his couch where he was sipping cocoa and watching Golden Girls.

This is the song.  It was used in one of my favorite movies when I was a teenager, Mermaids.

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Fleeting Thoughts

OverIndulgence

I always have wicked good thoughts while I’m brushing my teeth and tonight was no exception.

I realized that I have been very lucky to have only had my heart broken a few times when I’ve found myself dumped.  Most of the time whatever tears came (and they always came) were more so from the inability to hold something together and hold someone’s attention than the loss of the best company of my life.  I don’t like a lot of people.  And I haven’t loved every man I’ve carried on a relationship with.  But somehow whenever it ends, no matter how lacklustre it was, I always cry.  There have been way too many moments in my lifetime when what should feel like relief, feels like utter failure.

–  Aja

(Not that anyone needs a $40 water bottle.  But if you decide that you need one, you can get it here.)

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You Get Better Every Time

KhoaLe

This is what I can promise you, my dear friend with the wounded heart.  In a year you won’t feel this anymore.  Maybe even in a month.   Soon there will be times where you can listen to music you enjoyed together without feeling your pulse quicken and your protective instincts creep in.  We love hard and then we break hard.  But you are never completely broken.  You are more together and more whole than most people I know.  The only reason why it hurts so much is because you gave it your all.  You tried again despite having been hurt in the past. And you know what that is?  That’s bravery!  That’s courage!  It’s foolish and it’s wonderful all at once. And yes, you got out before you were dating a race car.  So hat’s off to you! I shall try and be a better friend and maybe not go along with things always just because you are enthusiastic.  Just promise me you won’t get mad with me if I start pointing out things that look problematic.  It’s tough because you know what?  No grown ass adult ever wants to hear what anyone else has to say about their love life.  And we both know it’s true!

You will be okay.  I told you that before and my stance has not changed.  In the words of many people more intelligent than I am, it doesn’t get easier.  You just get better.

–  Aja

Illustration by Khoa Lee

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Fool Me Once …

HowToSpotABastard

Phew!  Well someone sure had some words to get off their chest, eh?  I’m making you a care package (I’ve had some stuff stored for ages) and I will bestow upon you my trusty copy of this!  Take good care of it.

–  Aja

PS-  I know it’s not funny.  But you’ve got to laugh because that fucker got you twice!

PPS-  My Dad’s a Gemini!  (Still laughing).

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