Yes, I am returning to and old thread of ours. Remember when we wrote about our biggest faults? Well, I am currently living out several of them. The toughest one is number two on my list, being hard on myself. I am beating myself up big time. And doing it, I realize other great faults. One is that I believe the happiness of those around me is my responsibility. I really want to stay calm and strong and happy for all. I want to be the perfect mother, girlfriend, lover, friend, housewife… You name it. I never really saw myself as a perfectionist, but I am. Add that to the list. And so when I fail, like when with number five, being too honest (add that up with impulsiveness), or like with number three, being impatient, it can be one hell of a mix. And with being a perfectionist, I tend to expect a lot from others too. Then I beat myself up over it afterwards because none of us can be perfect, and I feel like a horrible mom, girlfriend… You take your pick.
To be honest, it frightens me. I guess I can add this to the list: I have a hard time believing that I can be loved unless I truly am perfect.
My life has taken a turn for the worse lately. On so many levels it’s great, really wonderful. But things have happened that are both scary and unpleasant. I stood strong in the storm for a while and I was proud of myself for that. Sometimes it surprises me how much I can take and still stay fairly composed. But I guess I’m not always as strong as I like to think I am. I want to be because I feel like the world depends on it. When I finally fell over, I was expecting everything to come crashing. I am still holding my breath. Will it be okay?
It is a times like these we tend to discover who are our true friends. Sometimes it’s the people you least expect that come around to lend you a hand. And sometimes you lose some on the way. But then I guess it was meant to be that way.
I really have to give myself a break. It will be fine.
Illustration from here.