The grudge? I regret to inform you it is sadly just the same old boring tedious shit I’ve been battling with since last holiday season. But I’m really, really working on it. It negatively effects others around me so call it “growing up” or “becoming less selfish”, but the nagging sensible side of me feels quite bad about that. And I keep trying to muzzle sensibility and tell it to shut up.
I used to love a good grudge. That line where Carrie says she would skip dinner and buy Vogue instead (because it fed her more) . . . well that was me and grudge holding. It fed me and I found it delicious! And then I stopped liking it probably because I started actually liking my friends (a novel idea). I added quality and decreased the quantity and then I started to find being around people who bugged me to be tiresome. Once you realize you don’t have to tolerate shitty people you become allergic to it. Anger became tiresome as well. Draining more or less. Age has taught me that forgiveness doesn’t need to be a chore and that you lose nothing when you forgive someone. I will however always have the fear of being bit again.
To avoid any grudgy feelings this weekend, I sat in my car for an extra long amount of time and listened to songs which made me feel happy until I was ready to carry on with my day. It worked oddly enough! It might be a one off deal but I don’t care, I’ll take it!
Art by Yoshimoto Nara