It hasn’t stopped to surprise me how I always discover new things about you even though we should have covered most of it during our five years of almost daily communication. But I guess that’s the thing. We do change and flow, we do have many layers, the you I know is not one you. You are a multitude of yous. And so am I. That is why that I for large parts of my life I have been confused about who I am, feeling like I never really belonged anywhere.
After I got divorced I went to see a therapist for a while and I talked to her about this, about never finding my place. She asked me why I thought that was. I couldn’t answer her, I was completely blank. Then she said: “It is because you define yourself from you and not from something else.” That realization became a turning point of my life. I do not know who I am because I keep changing, and I do not belong anywhere, because belonging somewhere is the same as coming to a halt. This is me, a multitude of mes, some of them seeming opposites.
It dawned on me later that this is what it means to be alive. Movement, change and complexity is what defines what is alive opposed to what is dead. It is confusing and sometimes it’s lonely too, but it is quite all right, and the alternative really isn’t a choice.
So yeah, I have been going through a lot of changes for the past few months… Shedding old shells and discovering new sides of myself. And where has it lead me? For now I can tell you that it has lead me into a new relationship. Yes, that’s right, I am seeing someone! His name is Björn, he is Icelandic and quite wonderful.
Today I am Agathe who is in love and very happy. This is the layers of a purple cabbage revealing a star at the center.
Photo from here.