Two Bodies

GreenGrassGoodIntention

I’m better Agathe.  Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be sad.  To have it wash over you like a wave.  But you set the timer on yourself.  Otherwise if you’re anything like me, the self pity can go on for ages becoming a full time job.  And that shits exhausting and unbecoming.  You set the timer and when time’s up, you’re done.  No more pouting.  Just get on with it.  Because the truth is, I was perfectly happy before I decided to go ahead and dip my toe back in the water.  And I know that I’m going to get back to that grounded place in no time.

Nothing lost.  Nothing gained.  But I did realize something startling about my behavior, which stopped me dead in my shoes.  Baggage from my previous relationship (the horrid winter of 2013) has left me fragile.  Fragile in a way which can be, well quite frankly off putting.  I told my best friend about my minor freak out and she looked pained and worried about me. 

“Oh Aja.  That’s so sad.”

The only time she’s ever had that morose look on her face was when I lost a bit of weight, when I was losing my Grammy (back to the horrid winter of 2013).  My clothing hung on me limply and when she first saw me, her face broke into something so dismal and she whispered,

“You’re so skinny.”

She engulfed me in a very gentle hug as if she was afraid she might break something further if she squeezed too tight.  That’s the thing about friends.  They can’t hide when they’re worried about you.  And they shouldn’t either.  Which is why I value my friends.  A quick poll of among my social group and I’ve realized we’re all fragile in some weird way which can scare off people if perhaps the other person is fragile as well.  We’re all a little broken, aren’t we?  But if you’re really very lucky, you’ll find someone who will help you apply super glue to your cracks and in return you’ll do the same for them.

I’m really happy that you’re ready to date again.  I say a few words of hope and cross my fingers every day that a boat and the wind will bring someone kind your way.  Someone who will make your load lighter and be sweet to your little man.  Maybe tomorrow, eh?

–  Aja

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