As you know, I’ve been keeping a journal since childhood and I still do. Once in a while I like to flip through them to see what I did on this day back then. What always strikes me is how little things change. Obviously, I don’t always write every day, so there are many gaps, but I managed to find a few. I thought I’d share some glimpses with you. These are my thoughts, on August 27…
“I think the reason I’m so happy is because of my new haircut. I like myself a lot more.”
“I think I’m about to become depressed. But it’s okay, as long as I’m depressed for no reason. It gives me more time to spend by myself.”
“It was a full moon. I went to look for T. We didn’t kiss, we only held each other.”
“I’m drinking port wine today. It was my hair that did it. It can be amazing, but it takes a lot of work, and today I didn’t have the time.”
“All of a sudden I saw a link between how I relate to weather and how I relate to life. I like the variations. I like the different seasons. If it’s raining you can jump in puddles.”
“I see it now, how my life is always fine because I look at it like a story. I can sacrifice a lot for a good story.”
“Sometimes R and I become more like enemies than lovers, and it’s wearing on me.”
“The problem of being able to change and grow as a human being is that you see your own errors so clearly.”
“As I was meditating last night, I got a glimpse of what love is. It is acceptance. It is something that expands.”
“I’m enjoying myself so much the way things are now. I can just putter about the house doing little things, and everything has a meaning because of my son.”
“Normally I react to fear by approaching it to regain control. Fear of loss of control?”
See..? Haircuts and the pains of being human. And boys.
PS – I also found a letter that I had written to my first boyfriend when I was 16 that I had never sent. So I sent it.