Sometimes I’m so happy about the time difference between us. Like when I woke up at 2:30 at night with an epiphany of proportions, you were there. I laugh about what you said about us being exactly the same, getting too deep into things too fast, and then suddenly pulling out in the middle of the night, completely out of the blue.
It hadn’t been my intention when going to sleep. This weird friendship that I have been cultivating with A this summer… It has taught me so much and I’ve valued it deeply. But it had to end. Sometimes the line between looking out for yourself and letting others be themselves, just gets too vague, and then it’s hard to find a balance that works. The relationship with A has been somewhat like smoking. It’s easy enough to quit, it’s the not starting again that proves a challenge.
You might be wondering how a friendship can be like this? But I think you and I both know this, both of us go into things with our hearts fully open, and somewhere along the line we just have to put and end to it. Some friends can’t be friends. It is just too painful, or too annoying, or too challenging.
Sometimes I’m so sad about the time difference between us. Like when I woke up at 8:00 in the morning, remembering what I did last night, realizing that I’m fine. And this is just what I wanted to tell you, I am fine. Perhaps I could have handled things differently, perhaps I could have been more forgiving, more patient. But one thing that I did realize before falling asleep, is that sometimes it makes little difference what choices we make. Sometimes one choice isn’t any better or worse than the other, they’re just different.
Now I’m sitting here with my usual ice coffee for breakfast, gazing out the kitchen window, feeling like I’m getting back on track again. This summer has been amazing, I’ll always have the memories, and all the lessons learned.
PS – I’ve told you this before but I absolutely love your hair that way. You are beautiful!