Truth is I haven’t felt beautiful for years. I don’t know where my sense of beauty went. Perhaps in the stormy weather and the bulky clothes. Or perhaps in breastfeeding and saggy boobs. Perhaps in lack of laughter and an aging face. Yet, I don’t really think it has got much to do with appearance. It hasn’t got much to do with what I see in my bathroom mirror. Rather I it has to do with the lack of people to mirror myself in.
After I had moved out to a deserted island where I really didn’t have any friends, or lovers for that matter, that experience of feeling beautiful sort of faded away. I’d feel smart and strong and independent, but not beautiful. It wasn’t until I very recently started to socialize more again that I looked at myself in the mirror again and thought «Hey, you look great!».
It’s not about needing someone else to tell me I’m beautiful because frankly I don’t think that has happened in a long time either. Rather it is about seeing the beauty in someone else who sees you. I hadn’t been seen for so long that I had lost the ability to see myself, and once that was restored, I felt beautiful again.
It doesn’t need to come with an audience, I can feel beautiful all alone for no particular reason, whenever I feel good about myself, and even also when I feel shitty, but what in the end makes me feel the most beautiful is connecting to other people which in turn helps me to connect to myself. It is like I said, seeing myself in the mirror of others, cause others are beautiful too.